Lately, I have observed a highly unbalanced state inside myself. The symptoms have been as unpleasant for me as they have for those I hold closest. In response to a series of emotionally painful events – I have fallen into a trap. One that I was too late to notice – or perhaps unable to escape.
It started innocently enough – with a very long streak of travel. Much, much longer than normal. Sitting here at the end of the period – I realize that 4 months on the road has done nothing to ease my struggles – even made the symptoms worse. There really is no way to run away from the workings of your mind in this world – no mountaintop too high to dampen the sound of your inner voices screaming.
During my travel, it is usual for me to slow down communications with my private life. I am after all on the road to get a job done. But this time, it was different. With fear, seemingly unable to act on it, I saw myself shutting down communication with even my closest friends. I would look at the phone ringing – and simply not be able to pick it up. Instead, I would dig even deeper into my job – hiding from who knows what – always finding an excuse to get something more done. I can guarantee you – if you work for a US corporation – they will keep taking your time until you stop them.
It took me weeks to realize that I had cut off people I normally spoke to very often. I felt a constant guilt of not returning calls and leaving very little signs of life. Somehow, this state was acceptable – or at least stable. I sought silence from the world outside.
But of course, this is also the road to depression, or at least introvert behavior. Neither desirable to me. I have felt a constant anger inside – a defensive stance to the world (more so than usual, for those who have read my previous posts). Only this time the anger was different. My usual mental state is that of a predator – ready to fight fairly for survival in a US corporate world of idiots. In battle stance for any verbal challenge thrown at me. But no, this other anger was different. It is the anger of a caged animal – uselessly gnawing at the bars of its cage. Looking at its captor with teeth barred – yet without a fair change of winning. It is this anger, prodded forward by passive/aggressiveness – that eats you up inside. It has no outlet – and it turns its destructive fury on your very integrity. It is what you get when you put your hope in the world around you – and feel let down by how the world returns the favor.
And what is one to do when disappointed by the world or people in it? I know of only three answers: Either walk away, stop hoping or find something else to focus on. I do not give up hope in the world – I believe in people! But before you can see those bars of the cage – before you realize they will not budge to your strength – what do you do? In my case – I work. Too many hours. I get on yet another plane – see another amazing sight. I eat the wrong things, forgetting my body. The smile on my face fades – my wit goes dull. Instead, I snap at the people around me for any insult – perceived or real. I stop defending what is right – and instead spend my strength barring my teeth (uselessly so) at my captors and all the things that are wrong (somehow, the world never runs out of things that are wrong). I grumble, become introvert and stop contributing to the natural order of things.
As I sit here – realizing what has held me captive – one question creeps into my mind: “What if this is the way most of the world feels, most of the time?”.
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